Finding My Voice（3）　　　　　　The Path We Walked【2】

I spent eight months of my married life in that town. Those days passed in relative peace. The town where we lived was a nature-rich place facing the coast. As anyone who has lived in the countryside knows, getting by without a car can sometimes be difficult. Unlike Tokyo or other metropolitan areas, taking connecting trains and buses is not always enough to get things done. Since my husband used our car for work, I had no way to use it. Therefore, on the days he worked, I would go for long walks here and there by myself.

At that time, I was still childless and unburdened, and in that rural town, I could manage my bare-minimum shopping around the train station. Unlike today, when so many things are introduced on social media to stir up a desire to buy, I had no thoughts of wanting to pick up and try department store cosmetics. I was satisfied even with poorly stocked supermarkets, and since I visited my parents' home nearly every week—where plenty of convenient shops surrounded the area—I never had any trouble acquiring daily necessities. A newly opened 100-yen shop along the highway in that rural town provided materials for my sewing hobby, which made me even happier.

I also loved to read. I had brought a lot of books with me, and I would sometimes spend my time reading them. However, after a while, I began to feel bored. I also felt lonely. Most afternoons passed without me speaking to a single person. My husband occasionally stayed away for the night on duty, and without a job of my own, I began to feel left behind.

Then one day, I found a part-time job posting. It was a simple clerical job at a public institution. At the time, I was still receiving unemployment benefits, which would naturally stop once I started working. Even so, I wanted to work. That desire wasn't particularly strong; perhaps I simply had a yearning to belong somewhere. And I wanted to earn my own money to build up my personal savings. For some reason, I felt a deep sense of unease unless I had money that belonged strictly to me.

So, I tried telling my husband that I wanted to work. He opposed the idea. Why go through all that trouble, he argued, when I could just keep collecting unemployment benefits? My own drive to work wasn't all that fierce, either. So, I gave up on the thought of working. Aside from that, I believe I had communicated my loneliness to my husband.

One day, he told me that the wives living in the company housing complex were talking about having tea with me. He said one of his colleagues had mentioned it. I felt both pleased and a little frightened, as I had a somewhat shy, introverted nature. Yet, because I was feeling such intense loneliness at the time, the kindness of wives I had yet to meet brought a sense of comfort to my heart.

However, I was never actually approached by them. Whether my husband failed to connect me with them, or whether the women changed their minds, I do not know. Before long, a transfer was decided, and we were forced to leave the town behind.

Knowing we would be moving away so soon, I thought it was just as well that I hadn't started working or gotten to know the other wives. I was not good with groups of women. While I sometimes wanted to connect because I felt lonely, I also harbored a fear that trouble might arise.

Our next destination was the Kanto region. At the workplace in the town where we had started our married life, my husband had been clashing with his superior. From time to time, I would hear him complaining about his boss. While I figured his boss must have been a difficult person, I also sensed a stubborn streak in my husband. I wondered faintly whether my husband ever reflected on his own part in it. But back then, I was a newlywed; I loved him dearly. So, I pushed such thoughts away into a corner of my mind. Before long, my husband applied for a research position, which was approved, and his transfer to Kanto was decided. I felt a sense of joy at being able to move far away from my parents' home, because my headstrong mother would occasionally hurl startlingly harsh words at me. I suspect my mother was one of the reasons I became uncomfortable around women. As I was worn down by her sharp remarks, I developed a habit of reading other people's emotions. Later on, I would come to think that this very submissiveness might have been what eventually let my husband grow so arrogant.

We packed our belongings, cleaned the apartment, and watched the moving truck drive away. Afterward, my husband drove us to the port. There, we boarded a ferry and headed toward Honshu. As the sea breeze blew against us, we bid farewell to the vast land of Hokkaido.

Next story:Finding My Voice（4）　　　　　　The Path We Walked【3】｜Cristal

First Story: Finding My Voice（１）　　　　　　　Introduction｜Cristal
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